Tuesday, December 13, 2011

December Jitters !

                        It's the 13th of December and the pit of my stomach's all in knots ! This period between December to January lands up always as a tense time for me . I am all uneasy and my body's all in cramps , there seems to be a mental  " period " .................Gawk ! , only that this lasts for almost an entire month !
                           All I can hear nowadays are Christmas bells , no , not when they are present around , though . You see , I specifically enjoy  ( and am not a patient of ) my Parosmia ( Uh .... Ahemm ......That's the perception of non-existent smells ) .  And just like it , these festive bells are a part of my custom-made auditory hallucunations . Things which just suit what I am feeling at that particular time .......Whoa ! Nothing to get freaked out here !
                           The big glutton that I am  ( am ostensibly referred to as  ' Monster ' and ' Bhukkad ' by friends ) , I start smelling my favourite egg rolls and patties and puchkas and actually , the list is endless..... ( and by the way ......writing these beautiful words here have started me wistfully dreaming )  ..........whenever I feel like eating one................It's almost instantaneous , and if I don't get to lay my hands on any of the aforementioned foodstuff , I have to  make do with just the psychic stimulation .

                        And about the auditory hallucinations part , ........................ I experienced some harmless instances , only during my everyday conversations with pals , once or twice in my entire life  ........( that is , when I wanted to hear something very badly , I actually heard it ! )  . That's weird , but thank God ! , I can vouch for some craziness . Life's so drab if you are always following the principles of sense .

                      Well , I guess this has actually got something to do with a doctor's tendency to diagnose himself or herself of  a hundred myriad conditions . I have gotten rid of those aural intrusions now , and all I experience nowadays in full bloom , are my dreams . It's always been that , once in a while only , I dream so intensely that I feel that the events of my dream actually occured in real life ! Although now , I am better able to differentiate ........ , and actually , thankfully don't get boring dreams  ...................

                         And this is what has got me going ! Approaching one's birthday can be a heady affair ! There's an entire set sequence of events unfailingly tagged with my life , yes , since 23 years ................There's Christmas , the holidays , New year parties and to top it all , my birthday at the end of the procession . What with all these  , De facto , this winter is all about me turning 23 .................

                         Well , I have never enjoyed birthdays ........Sounds weird , but this is it ! I guess this was the scene since I was born !!! Even when I was about 6-8 years of age ( Mum says I have been like this since I was 2 ........... ) , I remember all those kiddie parties and sweets and cakes and balloons and all those kiddie games played by the other children and there was nothing anyone could do to rescue my steadily drowning mood . There's something about birthdays , ( ONLY MINE ! ) that just pisses me off inside ! ................ Kinda like I unwittingly land my feet in ice !

                        And more recently , all those midnight barging in , and cake smearing and the ceremonial temple visit on the D-day ( Just to please my constantly calling Mum and Dad  !!!! )  ..........I feel this ominous  cloud hovering over my head ! To the extent I even start feeling like a goat chosen for sacrifice ...........( seriously , dunno why  !!!! ) Wonder of all wonders , even my gifts don't excite me ................and that's because I pretty much buy whatever I feel like throughout the year .........So, there's nothing special left for this annual event ! Moreover , I don't usually like the gifts I receive ...........I much more prefer to do my own shopping ! So if any of my benovelent  friends listening out here , you know , drop me a hint ! I would love to give ma suggestions ! ; )

                       And yes , to precipitate a downpour from this cloud above me , is the fact that I am gonna turn 23 ............... I can literally feel myself aging , like I remember thinking about this when I was 15 ...........From the perspective of a 15 -yr old ...............23 seemed so adult ! ( Correction : 21 seemed so adult ! ) . The number itself would make the life of someone belonging to that almost hallowed , age group seem so settled and mature ! I recall , me and my friends would just look up to these  " age-specific people " with awe and 23 just seemed so far away , like it was something in the far , far future !

                     Tis' weird ! At 15 , you think that at 23 , you would be so much more mature and in control of your life , so very SETTLED !!!!  . And hey , now at 23 , you  realise something else !  You realise that life actually can't have set goals .................that we keep on evolving commensurate with the situations that we find ourselves in , ..............That there is nothing which can be labelled absolute right or absolute wrong , it's the way one sees it !

                     I now find that there is something you learn each and every day , about your work , about your life , and over the course of time , about your relationships as well ! Life now feels just like this dynamic continuum , where nothing can be predicted and no fact built a house upon ! ...................................................And  I think , all I really need to do is ,  live this moment and this day to the fullest , coz as the cliche goes , THIS TIME - whether sad or happy or just whatever , can never really be brought back ! Phew !!!!!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Sunset Boulevard

Feel the cool breeze through my hair ,
Let open like the wilderness
I stroll , without any memories
Detached from my worries ........
Feet flit through the sands ,
Which are ever so willing to collapse under .

Lay down on 'em
And gaze ,
Without the flow of thoughts , just of the sea ..........
At the moment in Time ,
Frozen within the arms of my rapturous senses .
I am like a solitary fleck in the big , black universe .

Hours dissolving away
Like a candle lighted ,
Swallowed by the Sun of Silence within ,
Which my soul was hungry for a slice of ..........

The stormy rapids of my thoughts ,
Tamed by the rhythmic roar of the sea .........
My emotions and desires
Usually unhidden from all
Bubble up on the surface , as always
Of a clear , transparent crystal lake
Of my countenance .

But now I find it interspersed
With a placidity an erstwhile stranger
Perhaps orchestrated by the song
Of life I find around me ...........

There go the evening joggers ,
The playing children ,
The couple lost in each other ,
The couple quarreling with each other ,
The lone souls and the picnic groups ........

And all their emotions , hopes , and fleeting thoughts .......
Captured by the waves that lash at the shore
As if to pick them
And run back to the horizon ..........

As one wave rushes towards me
And sashays back ........
To be quickly replaced by the next ,
That however arrives in its own time .........

Somewhere a dip , elsewhere a crest ..........
But nothing changes on the surface ,
As life that goes on
And you are always the same person
You were born .......

Painting the sky with
Hues of orange and tints of red
And somewhere stroked a whimsical yellow shade ,
The sun announces its time of rest ......
As I get up and prepare
For the night and the life that lays ahead .........
And take a last glimpse of
This Sunset Boulevard !

Sunday, November 27, 2011

GoodBye !

This is for all those who are not worth being a part of my life !

I am telling this to myself again ,
To love myself ,
Feel free to not give a s**t
To those who don't even want to understand you .....
It's no use becoming a lotus
When the mud around doesn't even begin to appreciate your worth.......
I always thought this was being bad !
And if I did something like this ,
And such things just wouldn't come out of me....
Like automatic spam-detection blocks .
I always looked at the world through rose-tinted glasses......
I always went with what I wanted to believe in.........
What I desperately wanted to miraculously become true.....
Even though evidences to the contrary stared me in the eye......
And it's this fact that dawns before me ,
Tis'  just that my mind knew it......
But my heart took so long to accept.........
The only virtue in life is being true to yourself
And do good to thyself......
Not to bother being nice to those people
Who clearly don't seem to be in the same mood !
Never to cast your pearls before swine ,
They can't appreciate a diamond from a pebble.....
And if you give them a diamond ,
They'll throw mud at you .
You are a worthless guy !
And that is why you are so insecure ,
And that's what makes you so selfish ,
So stubborn on winning an argument , without a point ........
And maybe , you sit smug now !
Coz in your tiny little mind ,
You have scored over someone.....
Who is not as mean and dumb as you ,
But it was better for me ........
Coz you don't lose much
As you have nothing , that can be lost ........
But I lose , when I'm with you .........
So happy to say
Goodbye !

Of Peculiar Uncles and Chocolates !

                                   And so it is .........the end of one week , once again ! It is that every Sunday , I never stop falling in awe of the fact that one more week has passed by irrevocably ......and it's kind of scary when you see time flying faster than an albatross before you . I literally saw the white albatross before my eyes now as I sit typing this away on my laptop , and it gave me the chills !!!!! Whoo !!!!
                                      I am tempted to share something of what happened last Sunday . Well , it's not the juicy kind of temptation you might expect ( Trust me , I so wish it would have been true , sigh ! ) .

                                       I started working on a presentation I would be giving on " Simplified techniques of Breast examination " . I called Needy ( For those of you who need an introduction , refer to my post " The Facebook Sister " ) for help and we decided to meet up at my uncle's house . Now my uncle , a general surgeon , when you have a first glance at him , and actually have lots of glances everyday , will become sure of the belief that he should have somehow been at the Amazon jungle . For the man never ever smiles ( even courteously ) , is short and dark , and I am pretty much sure his hair has never ever seen the teeths of a comb . So , it is I enter his house , Needy in tow ........I had already informed him , I would be coming with a friend ! And as soon as he saw the malnutritioned specimen , Miracle of Miracles , my uncle gave me such a broad smile of his white teeth spreading across his black face , that I just immediately felt shy and confused . I looked down and then up , at Needy whose face wore  his omnipresent clueless expression just to hear Uncle's rejoinder , " Oh ! So THIS is the FRIEND you were  referring to " , promptly garnished with ( Gasp ! ) a wicked glint in his eyes . Did the set of eyes and lips I just saw , actually belonged to him ?

                                         What is it with elders and their hyperactive minds ............I guess nobody's an exception when it comes to age - related idiosyncrasies ? Hushed whispers of this uncle's wife and how she's married the wrong person proliferate abundantly among our relatives' circles . My closest friend , ( let's call her S , mostly because she has an incredibly long name ) retorted I should have clicked a photo of his on that exact opportune moment , and with the date and time written , sent it to his in-laws .........They would be so happy and relieved ! Perhaps I only need to mention Needy before him ..........oh my Needy , I bet you should be so proud of yourself ..........you have become the official aphrodisiac to someone's happiness on Earth ............Gosh ! this is so much a teary - eyed moment for both of us !

                                          And now the rest of my week was spent working on that very presentation , It's one of the things I am already regretting because the date just keeps getting postponed on and on ....... , waking up with a start just before 7 am to actually , physically run to my class , dancing impromptu on one or two evenings , even if that means facing an acute leg pain the next day ....( I have hypokalemia , that's the deficiency of potassium and electrolyte imbalance on and off  , which still doesn't stop me from dancing like mad ! ) , lots of laughs shared with friends and of course , my daily binging on my sweet cravings ......( If I would have been some monster in children's stories , I would have been the one who gobbles up all the sweets and candies and ice-cream.............and yes, then got killed by the fairy ! ( Wait a minute ! Do fairies kill ? )..............and celebrating an all chocolate evening the day before yesterday when I totally gorged on chocolate pastry , my favourite butterscotch coated  chocolate and downing it all with hot chocolate again ! Yumm !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, November 25, 2011

Notes from the diary ( of the father of a young girl ) ........

  This is something I imagine what an entry from the diary of my dad would look like.....

              Let's just skip the " Dear Diary " part because I seriously find it too ostentatious , see it is you are not writing to some diary ( except of course , if you are a 13 year old girl ) , face it....you are writing it to yourself .

          Anyway, ahem......

                  Today was good . We went to see a movie , (Shikha's choice ) [ I popping in a bubble - That's my Mom ! and seriously that was my Mom's choice ! ] , Tees Maar Khan ( Never mind , this is an old diary entry ! ).....there was nothing in it actually , but I guess nowadays movies are made like that.......although I couldn't understand why Pummy ( Whoa ! For all of you out there , dats my nickname ! ) was looking so angry while watching a comedy movie . Nevertheless , I am glad I could prevent her from going to the hall only with her sister . God knows, if she had gone there like that , she would have probably sat near that unkempt boy ( Nowadays' boys ! ) . Remember the expression on his face , and how he was still looking at her during the interval .....And why did Pummy have to look so astonished when I told her to sit in between me and her mother ? Gosh ! When will that girl develop some sense ?

                  Aah ! The last time she had given me an even more peculiar , weird expression was when we had gone to drop her off at the station . It was just that the stupid boy on the upper berth was smiling and I think , she was doing so too........Ya ........ , then , Shikha had reminded her to go to the bathroom before sleeping ..............Ah ! Yes , sometimes my wife does the right thing ! [ I in a bubble - That line was followed by a sudden silence .................................................................................................................................................and I can't quite decipher why parents tell you things ( particulary obnoxious ) , in front of strangers, they never say to you any other day of your life ! ]

                 And why does she increase her friend's list on  that Facebook . Today she has 5 new friends on there , yesterday I checked it was 3 . I can't understand this interacting with friends online when she can just talk to them everyday while in college ? How could she have so many friends from her schools ?

                 Why is she rejecting the good marriage proposals that come in ? Does she have a ...............? No.................I hope not !  Naah , Surely , No !  Or is it ..........?  The last time it was that engineer , decent fellow actually ..........but not good enough for my princess ! Sigh ! Atleast she should have considered him ! Where from will I bring her the perfect man ? All this takes time , na ! ................ [ Bubble - Well, Dad ! I did check him out , and it was an embarassing experience for both of us ! (the details of which I'll write some other day ) . And you don't need to find  someone , I'll do the needful ....................and there really is a lot of time ] .

                    And what is this new philosophy she has started spearheading ! Says she will not marry till she's 30 . Good God ! Please give some sense to my daughter ! What is this ? Is she nuts ? Does she know what she's speaking ? [ Bubble - Dad , I just love to piss you off by cracking such one-liners......hey , but you really get so worked up ! By the way , I rephrase my statement - I 'll not marry till I'm ATLEAST 30 ] .

                     Couldn't speak to her tonight . She was busy attending some other call . Who could she be talking to ?  And why so much time ? Anyway, though she called me back after my 3 calls only ......

                      So, got to sleep now............. and yes , Oh God ! Wherever she is, however she is ,   .........Never forget to Take Care of my dear sweet , quirky , little girl !

Thursday, November 24, 2011

The ' Facebook ' Sister !

            I don't quite know what to make of this , but it happened just last Sunday when I was chatting up my friend ( let's call him Needy because he should have rightly been the poster boy for India's malnutritioned ). I still call him ' Malnutritioned ' by the way . Sometimes he's ' Immunocompromised ' or ' Baggy pants ' ......all medical terms, excuse me ! " Immunocompromised " is verbatim , when your immunity is compromised and you attract diseases like Rakhi Sawant to mindless controversy and " Baggy pants " is a sign to detect low weight for age in children when you don't seem to have a proper ahem......posterior, in which case your pants are doomed to suffer a ' wardrobe malfunction ' unless your modesty is salvaged by that humble belt .

           During the course of our conversation, I happened to ask him why he left ( our dear, indispensable ) Facebook just as I joined it . Well, it was that the invention of Mark Zuckerberg had been " non-productive " for him .

           Well, of course it means what you think it is . His online dating experiences didn't turn up any results , and wonder of wonders, he's ended up with what I think an evolutionary mutation on the virtual planet - An online sister called " The Facebook Sister " .

          Now how exactly does one end up this way ? I nudged Needy to share the dynamics of this social networking aberration but he wouldn't say, despite my best attempts ( which included bribing the boy with chocolates ) . Everyone knows social networking sites are a favoured  hunting ground for potential mates / boyfriends / girlfriends . Interested in ' making brothers/sisters ' is something I'm not quite sure one would want to come across, and if by a freak chance one did, would be a sure put down . Needy says that both of them had become very close through their online interactions. But surely, being very close to a sister is a direct U-turn from being very close to a friend . I know of most guys who cringe at the thought of Raksha Bandhan and would rather stay at home than risking by any tragic encounter, any thread tying by their favourite females. I myself remeber grudgingly tying rakhis to my classmates when small , just because the other girls were doing so , when clearly I had no such " brotherly " feelings for those guys , if you know what I mean ; )

            And now my Needy has ended up with his Facebook sister. Both of them had even scheduled to meet, what with I agreeing to let her stay  in my hostel room . But she didn't come.....perhaps she thought it better to tie the rakhi online ......

           And as for Needy,  exasperated and without any further success on " flirt interests " , this time too , ( poor guy's been trying to get lucky since time immemorial ! ) he has torn himself apart from the seductions of the site .

           And as for me, I tell him , never to give up even if that means you end up becoming the doting , adorable brother to lots of giggling girls .

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Hitched !

             Whoa ! Before you jump to any obvious conclusions , ' hitched ' here doesn't mean I'm hitched to someone but it is hitched as in tying the knot with my profession ! I know I may have quelled any hopes of entertainment out now , but this post finds itself as a  culmination of what I feel day in and day out ! And since you are reading my blog , you will only get to read about me, right !

              As a doctor, the very strenous nature and expanse of our study and the required practical involvement with patients day in and day out , not to mention the compatibility, "chemistry", equality and stability that a relationship between theoretical knowledge and the actual clinical scenario demands, there is little time left for us to actually attain the luxury of a personal life. Infact I dread to think of those who have additional family responsibilities.  That's one reason why my singledom is too precious to me :)

             As for me, after leaving for college at 7:00 am and studying till 9:00pm, which is not even remotely sufficient for the day's work, I find myself desperately craving for some ' Me ' time....

             And now I arrive at the precipice of shock to even think of the fact that I may be growing unidimensionally. It is imperative to grow and evolve as time passes and thus life grows , otherwise I feel like a river which has stopped flowing and turned stagnant . I just don't feel natural and sane .

              I would say this, about our professional community . As doctors, we sacrifice our personal lives at the altar of the demands of our profession . Have you ever read about or met a doctor whose conversation doesn't revolve around his work and his patients ? And what is it that we get ? I am not saying that I don't get anything , no, definitely not ! I am priveleged to be a part of the most noble occupation here in the world. But if it is at the expense of my personal life , the motivation quotient gets diminished. At the end of the day if I am not happy and fulfilled, honestly then , my efforts towards helping others will also not bear the sincerity it requires .

             It's very difficult to bring a balanced juxtaposition of the twain. Nevertheless, vital for the growth of my soul. Yeah, I know it sounds so esoteric, but this is how I feel and this is how I have always been .

             There are miles to travel and milestones to conquer. It's like what Newton said , " I feel like a child playing on the beach , and the entire ocean of truth lies undiscovered before me ."