Tuesday, December 13, 2011

December Jitters !

                        It's the 13th of December and the pit of my stomach's all in knots ! This period between December to January lands up always as a tense time for me . I am all uneasy and my body's all in cramps , there seems to be a mental  " period " .................Gawk ! , only that this lasts for almost an entire month !
         
                           All I can hear nowadays are Christmas bells , no , not when they are present around , though . You see , I specifically enjoy  ( and am not a patient of ) my Parosmia ( Uh .... Ahemm ......That's the perception of non-existent smells ) .  And just like it , these festive bells are a part of my custom-made auditory hallucunations . Things which just suit what I am feeling at that particular time .......Whoa ! Nothing to get freaked out here !
       
                           The big glutton that I am  ( am ostensibly referred to as  ' Monster ' and ' Bhukkad ' by friends ) , I start smelling my favourite egg rolls and patties and puchkas and actually , the list is endless..... ( and by the way ......writing these beautiful words here have started me wistfully dreaming )  ..........whenever I feel like eating one................It's almost instantaneous , and if I don't get to lay my hands on any of the aforementioned foodstuff , I have to  make do with just the psychic stimulation .

                        And about the auditory hallucinations part , ........................ I experienced some harmless instances , only during my everyday conversations with pals , once or twice in my entire life  ........( that is , when I wanted to hear something very badly , I actually heard it ! )  . That's weird , but thank God ! , I can vouch for some craziness . Life's so drab if you are always following the principles of sense .

                      Well , I guess this has actually got something to do with a doctor's tendency to diagnose himself or herself of  a hundred myriad conditions . I have gotten rid of those aural intrusions now , and all I experience nowadays in full bloom , are my dreams . It's always been that , once in a while only , I dream so intensely that I feel that the events of my dream actually occured in real life ! Although now , I am better able to differentiate ........ , and actually , thankfully don't get boring dreams  ...................

                         And this is what has got me going ! Approaching one's birthday can be a heady affair ! There's an entire set sequence of events unfailingly tagged with my life , yes , since 23 years ................There's Christmas , the holidays , New year parties and to top it all , my birthday at the end of the procession . What with all these  , De facto , this winter is all about me turning 23 .................

                         Well , I have never enjoyed birthdays ........Sounds weird , but this is it ! I guess this was the scene since I was born !!! Even when I was about 6-8 years of age ( Mum says I have been like this since I was 2 ........... ) , I remember all those kiddie parties and sweets and cakes and balloons and all those kiddie games played by the other children and there was nothing anyone could do to rescue my steadily drowning mood . There's something about birthdays , ( ONLY MINE ! ) that just pisses me off inside ! ................ Kinda like I unwittingly land my feet in ice !

                        And more recently , all those midnight barging in , and cake smearing and the ceremonial temple visit on the D-day ( Just to please my constantly calling Mum and Dad  !!!! )  ..........I feel this ominous  cloud hovering over my head ! To the extent I even start feeling like a goat chosen for sacrifice ...........( seriously , dunno why  !!!! ) Wonder of all wonders , even my gifts don't excite me ................and that's because I pretty much buy whatever I feel like throughout the year .........So, there's nothing special left for this annual event ! Moreover , I don't usually like the gifts I receive ...........I much more prefer to do my own shopping ! So if any of my benovelent  friends listening out here , you know , drop me a hint ! I would love to give ma suggestions ! ; )

                       And yes , to precipitate a downpour from this cloud above me , is the fact that I am gonna turn 23 ............... I can literally feel myself aging , like I remember thinking about this when I was 15 ...........From the perspective of a 15 -yr old ...............23 seemed so adult ! ( Correction : 21 seemed so adult ! ) . The number itself would make the life of someone belonging to that almost hallowed , age group seem so settled and mature ! I recall , me and my friends would just look up to these  " age-specific people " with awe and 23 just seemed so far away , like it was something in the far , far future !

                     Tis' weird ! At 15 , you think that at 23 , you would be so much more mature and in control of your life , so very SETTLED !!!!  . And hey , now at 23 , you  realise something else !  You realise that life actually can't have set goals .................that we keep on evolving commensurate with the situations that we find ourselves in , ..............That there is nothing which can be labelled absolute right or absolute wrong , it's the way one sees it !

                     I now find that there is something you learn each and every day , about your work , about your life , and over the course of time , about your relationships as well ! Life now feels just like this dynamic continuum , where nothing can be predicted and no fact built a house upon ! ...................................................And  I think , all I really need to do is ,  live this moment and this day to the fullest , coz as the cliche goes , THIS TIME - whether sad or happy or just whatever , can never really be brought back ! Phew !!!!!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Sunset Boulevard

Feel the cool breeze through my hair ,
Let open like the wilderness
I stroll , without any memories
Detached from my worries ........
Feet flit through the sands ,
Which are ever so willing to collapse under .


Lay down on 'em
And gaze ,
Without the flow of thoughts , just of the sea ..........
At the moment in Time ,
Frozen within the arms of my rapturous senses .
I am like a solitary fleck in the big , black universe .


Hours dissolving away
Like a candle lighted ,
Swallowed by the Sun of Silence within ,
Which my soul was hungry for a slice of ..........


The stormy rapids of my thoughts ,
Tamed by the rhythmic roar of the sea .........
My emotions and desires
Usually unhidden from all
Bubble up on the surface , as always
Of a clear , transparent crystal lake
Of my countenance .


But now I find it interspersed
With a placidity an erstwhile stranger
Perhaps orchestrated by the song
Of life I find around me ...........


There go the evening joggers ,
The playing children ,
The couple lost in each other ,
The couple quarreling with each other ,
The lone souls and the picnic groups ........


And all their emotions , hopes , and fleeting thoughts .......
Captured by the waves that lash at the shore
As if to pick them
And run back to the horizon ..........


As one wave rushes towards me
And sashays back ........
To be quickly replaced by the next ,
That however arrives in its own time .........


Somewhere a dip , elsewhere a crest ..........
But nothing changes on the surface ,
As life that goes on
And you are always the same person
You were born .......


Painting the sky with
Hues of orange and tints of red
And somewhere stroked a whimsical yellow shade ,
The sun announces its time of rest ......
As I get up and prepare
For the night and the life that lays ahead .........
And take a last glimpse of
This Sunset Boulevard !